David Muir: Live, from Manchester, New Hampshire, this is the third Democratic debate. We know no one is watching because everyone is either at a holiday party or watching the new Star Wars movie, but that’s OK! We all know Hillary’s going to win anyways.
On to opening statements! We will do them alphabetically, because that was the best way we could figure out how to start with Sec. Clinton and make it seem like it was just us being random and fair. Sen. Clinton?
Hillary Clinton: Y’all know me, still the same HRC! I want be president so I can help grow the economy, and not just for those at the top! But also for those at the top because, well, that’s where I am and I want to stay far above you peasants for as long as I can. I’m way better than the Republicans because they want to get rid of your free healthcare, give guns to terrorists, and kill puppies. Thank you.
Martin O’Malley: Since the last debate we have been attacked by jihadi terrorists from ISIL, so I went to a mosque to ask ‘What’s up? Why are Muslims attacking Americans?’ The moms and dads and Boy Scouts and veterans at the mosque said “Because of billionaires with big mouths,” which I took to mean Donald Trump and definitely not the New Era hats because that wouldn’t make any sense at all.
Bernie Sanders: I’m Bernie Sanders and I’m not part of the establishment, unlike the one-percenter to my left (coughcoughHillary). Climate change is bad! Fossil fuel is bad! Quagmires and ISIS are bad! Feel the Bern!
Muir: Thank you. Our first question is for Sen. Sanders. Talk to us about the DNC voter data thing that happened this week. Ramble if you like, and take as much time as you need.
Sanders: Firstly, this happened before where a firewall was dropped and we didn’t look at anyone else’s data and it was all fine. Secondly, this time when a firewall was dropped someone looked and it wasn’t fine. Thirdly, the guy who looked was fired. Fourthly we are investigating what happened. Fifthly, the DNC cut off all access to our own data, which wasn’t fine AT ALL. Sixthly, I want to work together with Sec. Clinton for an independent investigation. Seventhly, there were too many press releases on this, we instead should just work together.
Muir: But do you apologize?
Sanders: Eightly, yes, I apologize. I apologize to Sec. Clinton. I apologize to my supporters. And I apologize to the guy who I cut in front of yesterday at the deli. What can I say? I was hangry.
Muir: Sec. Clinton, do you accept his apology?
O’Malley: Why is no one apologizing to me?
Muir: Hush. No one knows why you are here. On to Sec. Clinton again: Pres. Obama said our country was safe from terrorists, then we were attacked in San Bernardino. Without criticizing our president, are there undetected threats we don’t know about?
Clinton: Nope, we are all good and safe. But I would keep us safer with my 3-part plan, which has a 3-part plan. All three parts are about sharing information, which we will get from the Internet. I don’t understand exactly how that technology works, but I trust we will get it and share it.
Muir: Share information with who?
Clinton: I don’t know, it just polled well to talk about sharing information if terror attacks were brought up.
Muir: Americans want to arm themselves to keep us safe from terror attacks. Are they wrong?
Clinton: Guns won’t make us safer. Arming more people isn’t the appropriate response to terrorism. We need coalitions. We need to be nicer to Muslims. We need Donald Trump to stop recruiting for ISIS. Did you know he’s made recruitment videos for ISIS? They are up on YouTube right now!
Muir: Sen. Sanders, do you think there is a proper time for racial profiling, given the warning signs people noticed regarding the San Bernardino shooters?
Sanders: Sure! If you see someone loading piles of guns into their house, call 9-1-1. But people aren’t worried about terrorists, they are worried about the top one percent! They are worried that rich people will earn all the money and there won’t be any left. And then the top one percent will just walk around with all of the money with them all of the time, and then how will the other 99% pay for things like the twitter and soda pop?
Muir: Good points. Sec. Clinton, do you think Apple could give up their encryption keys to law enforcement, to allow for easier information sharing?
Clinton: I’m not going to answer this question directly because it could hurt me in the general election. What I will say is maybe the back door is the wrong door, and I’d like a collaborative project — wait, why are you all snickering? Why is everyone looking at me like that? Is it my burlap suit?
Sanders: (giggling) She said ‘the back door is the wrong door’, maybe that’s why Bill went to Monica!
Clinton: You agreed to never mention that, BERNIE.
Sanders: But you walked right into it!
Muir: Time for a break! We will now go to commercials, then awkwardly come back before Sec. Clinton has returned to her podium.
Muir: And we are back, without Sec. Clinton. So, Sen. Sanders, how come you supported ground troops to fight al Qaeda, but not ISIS?
Sanders: We don’t need to be the world’s police force. Muslim troops should spend their Muslim money to put their Muslim boots on the ground. Oh look, Hillary is back from the bathroom!
Clinton: Sorry. I told you last time, I come back when I want. This is the Hillary Rodham Clinton Show. Ok, on the ground troops thing, send our Special Operations guys in there. They don’t count as “ground forces” so I won’t be fibbing to Americans and we won’t be giving ISIS what they want. I know what ISIS wants. I’m living rent-free in their heads.
O’Malley: May I offer a different generation’s perspective on this? Ohhhhh, slam! Feel that burn? I’ve been waiting to toss out the elderly card, cause you are both so old and I’m young and nubile and —
Clinton: Can we go back to me please? I’ve only spoken for 57 percent of the debate time; it’s my turn.
Muir: Of course Sec. Clinton. We will ask Sen. Sanders how he will raise incomes for the middle class and you can jump in whenever.
Sanders: Easy, make everything free. Bam! Economy fixed.
O’Malley: I’ll raise the minimum wage to a living wage and then —
Clinton: MY TURN. People don’t want to feel like the game is rigged, so I will unrig it. Like I did for me, when I was able to use my First Ladiness to score a Senate seat in a state I didn’t even live in! Also, debt-free tuition and go see my website.
Muir: Will corporate America love a Pres. Hillary Clinton?
Clinton: Everybody should love me. Everybody. Kneel before Zod!
Muir: Sen. Sanders, same question.
Sanders: No, I don’t think they will. And Wall Street will love me even less. No one will love a Pres. Sanders. No one. I’m virtually unlovable.
O’Malley: Listen the economy is like an ecosystem, and the more people who participate —
Sanders: MY NAME WAS INVOKED. I GET TO SPEAK WHEN MY NAME IS INVOKED. BERNIESANDERS.COM!
Muir: Let’s move on to healthcare. Sec. Clinton, costs have gone up, deductibles have gone up. What’s broken, and how do you fix it?
Clinton: Meh, that stuff is all nothing but glitches. Mere startup challenges. It will all be fine. Really, it’s all fine except in red states where Republican governors won’t expand Medicaid. Stupid Republican governors. THEY are what’s wrong with healthcare, not the Affordable Care Act.
Sanders: We need a single-payer system. Healthcare should be free, it’s a right.
Muir: But how would you pay for it?
Sanders: Easy! Taxes. Just pay for free healthcare with more taxes. Like you pay for free college with more taxes. Pay for everything with more taxes!
O’Malley: I agree, higher education should be a right for every child and —
ALL OTHERS: HUSH!
Muir: Who will raise taxes on the middle class?
Clinton: Not me.
Sanders: I might.
O’Malley: I probably will.
Muir: And we are back from a break! Let’s move on to racial divide. How is everyone going to make the Black Lives Matter camp happier?
Clinton: We have systemic racism, especially in our justice system. We need to reform that justice system so we are arresting less black people. PROBLEM SOLVED.
O’Malley: We need the police to write more reports. I know how to fix this problem, we did a great job solving the issue in Baltimore.
Sanders: Listen, here is how we fix this problem: make all wages equal. Everyone earns the same wage, regardless of what their job is. Then, remove marijuana from the federal controlled substance schedule. High people are happy people. Finally, make all police officers be community police officers. Make them live in the community where they work, in a little box on the corner.
Muir: Now let’s rapid-fire our way through some random fluff topics, with a real one thrown in for good measure. Heroin?
Sanders: It’s the doctors fault for prescribing too much of it.
Clinton: (long rambling story that goes on forever with no actual point)
O’Malley: I’ve already done this! We need to have interventions for people the very first time they overdose, not the last time when they die.
Mod: Sec. Clinton, how much responsibility do you hold for the situation in Libya?
Clinton: PASS. I get a pass, right?
Muir: Sure! Instead, we will spend all of the remaining time discussing the role of Presidential spouses. This question is only to those on the stage who have been a Presidential spouse before: Is it time to change their role?
Clinton: I spent a lot of my First Lady time picking out china patterns and arranging flowers. As President, I will fix everything in the first six months, allowing me to still have time for these important matters. I don’t trust Bill to do it right, he’s not good with domestic things like interior design or fidelity.
Muir: Awesome answer. Now, to our closing statements, which will be in reverse-alphabetical order, allowing us to close with Sec. Clinton in the most fair-seeming way possible.
Sanders: On our worst day we have more to offer Americans than those crazy, right-wing extremists. We will bring about a political revolution; this country belongs to all of us and not just a handful of millionaires (coughcoughHillary).
O’Malley: We need to invest in our future, square our shoulders to the Republicans, and fight hard against the greatest threat to our nation in the past 100 years: climate change. Thank you and good night.
Clinton: Look, a whole lot of awesome things will happen if you elect a Republican, but the DNC said it’s my turn so you will be electing me instead. And every night I will think about every single child in our country. I won’t sleep, I will be so busy thinking about them and their futures. So thank you, good night, and I want to sound hip, so may the Force be with you.
Muir: Thus ends the 2015 primary debate schedule! We will see you in 2016, when the first Democratic debate will be held on a Sunday during NFL Playoffs, virtually guaranteeing a lower viewership than even tonight. Good night America!